Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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