I'm so fucking centered right now
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
