when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Will exercising make me less horny?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
