And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
