so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm too high and old for this...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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