Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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