I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
