If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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