sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize