You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
