I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
