Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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