WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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