If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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