I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
