I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
