bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.