Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(209): View more from California

just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment

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(209): just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment http://tfl.nu/1qk7

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(802): Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water. http://tfl.nu/oebe

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(815): Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites. http://tfl.nu/zd6b

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song

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(918): 3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song http://tfl.nu/o6l8

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

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(740): I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with. http://tfl.nu/qhgi

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(757): View more from Virginia

I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.

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(757): I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game. http://tfl.nu/w4nu

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(478): View more from Georgia

Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.

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(478): Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio. http://tfl.nu/i0fo

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(325): The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her. http://tfl.nu/fi1h

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

All my credit cards need to be pressure washed

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(617): All my credit cards need to be pressure washed http://tfl.nu/kgeq

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(619): View more from California

That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.

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(619): That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions. http://tfl.nu/77kt

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...

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(615): He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing... http://tfl.nu/wirp

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.

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(630): I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME. http://tfl.nu/7nql

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(210): View more from Texas

Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.

(682): View more from Texas

Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.

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(210): Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that. (682): Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude. http://tfl.nu/g9al

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.

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(919): You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober. http://tfl.nu/j9kh

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(231): View more from Michigan

You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

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(231): You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really http://tfl.nu/kw3p

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