i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
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Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it