maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
