He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
