90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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