I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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