We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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