Moan for me like Helen Keller
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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