My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
