just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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