I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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