Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
