im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
