I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
