Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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