I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
