It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
