Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You can't motorboat a personality
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
