oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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