while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
