i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
