I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
