Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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