I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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