got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
