my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
