I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
