I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
