I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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