You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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