my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
