When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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