you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
