Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
