Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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