in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
