I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
