fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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