12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
