Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
