You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
