you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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